15/09/2015
Settling in to university
Being shy is not an inherited personality trait, so even if you have been shy at school, going to university can be an opportunity to change this. Growing up with the same set of friends sometimes means that the way people see you, and you see yourself, can get a bit fixed. As a very broad generalisation, it’s probably true to say that students who have had a very stable home life and lived in the same area most of their lives find it more of a challenge to make new friends, while those who have moved around a lot and had lots of practice at meeting new people find it less daunting. However, the flip side of this is that those from a stable background prefer to form fewer relationships but at a deeper level and with more longevity, while those who might seem very outgoing and socially successful make lots of friends but at a more superficial level, which can be problematic when they need support with something difficult in life. If you have always been seen as the shy one, leaving familiar people behind and mixing with those who have no prior knowledge of you can be quite liberating; you can re-invent yourself, try out what it would be like to be more chatty, take risks to strike up conversations, be the one who suggests a night out?
You need to be patient when you first get to university. Close friendships don’t happen in a couple of days or weeks, they take months or years. Think about the friends you have at home and how long you have known them? What experiences have you had together? How much have you learned about each other? What shared history have you developed over the years? Becoming close to someone involves spending time with them, talking about things and doing things together, learning to trust one another and this evolves, you can’t force it to happen overnight.
A good strategy is to cast your net as widely as you can. At Chichester University you have a pool of maybe 5000 potential friends. Of course you can’t have that many friends, but let’s say that perhaps 10% of these could be people you would like to get to know better, that’s 500 people. And let’s say out of these maybe 10% are compatible enough to become close friends that’s 50 people. Your challenge over the next 3 years or so is to find these people, and to do that you need to open yourself up to opportunities for your paths to cross and chance conversations to happen.
How to start to make friends - Many students, when they first come to university, complain about having the same conversation over and over and that they are bored with it and long to have something more meaningful. I agree small talk can be quite tedious, but it is a necessary social skill and it has to happen as the first stage in filtering out potential friends and finding common ground. During small talk we are exchanging all kinds of information about ourselves, not just factual information about home, family, subject choice etc, but information about the kind of person we are. Without even trying to, we are assessing whether this person is interested in us, whether they share our values, our humour; are they a good listener, do they make you feel comfortable? Once we have had the first conversation we don’t need to do it again with that person. Next time, if you didn’t feel a good connection you might keep it brief and move on. But if you both liked each other during the small talk bit, the conversation can move on to something a little more personal, interests, favourite music, food, relationships, then maybe one of you will suggest meeting for coffee, or going to the library after the lecture. This is how we socialise as humans. At school we are pushed together by adults so it takes less work, but at university you are in the driving seat and this can be both exciting and scary at the same time! If you are more introverted than most you will probably prefer to socialise with one or two people rather than in a big group and that’s fine. Choose one or two people who you’ve liked in the first conversation and find ways of having another conversation with them.
So what helps on a practical level? The Academic Departments and the Student Union work very hard to ensure that opportunities are provided where students can meet new friends, but this isn’t going to help you if you stay in your room and wait for something to happen. During the first few weeks of term there will be many events organised. These might be group activities or social events within your academic department, they may be induction talks, meet and greet events or campus tours. If you have a place in a hall of residence there will often be social events for students to get to know each other. Make the most of these, use them to learn about your new environment, and maybe dip your toes in the water by making conversation with other students. There is the Fresher’s Fair where all the clubs and societies have stands and you can find out about what’s happening at Chi University. There are many societies ranging from political and religious groups, sports of every kind, LGBT groups, groups for students from different cultural backgrounds, campaigning, volunteering, and all kinds of hobbies and interests. Go to Fresher’s Fair and have a browse, join some societies if they grab your interest, if not you can always join later. Think of these first couple of weeks as doing research about your new life, and don’t expect to connect with anyone on a deep level for now, it’s all building blocks for the future.
Homesickness – The advice for new students used to be, don’t go home during the first term and have as little contact with home as possible. This now seems a bit brutal and we don’t say that anymore. In fact for some students it really helps to have a lot of visits and phone calls with home. It can also be comforting to bring personal things with you, to have photos of those you are closest to on your desk, mementoes of home can help a lot during the transition between one stage in life and the next. Find a balance if you can. Don’t see it as a failure to go home for a weekend, but also don’t try to avoid the normal feelings that come with leaving home by going back at every opportunity. It’s an important part of development that we learn how to manage feeling sad, alone, anxious or uncertain, as these are all part of being human and dealing with change.
When confronted with change we go through a process of gradually adapting, it doesn’t happen overnight. This gradual process is called transition and it’s the bread and butter of many university based counselling services. Primary attachments are to parents and siblings and when we leave home we gradually separate from these and move towards attachments to peers. It can feel quite precarious while we are letting go of something so familiar and beginning to establish something new.
If things don’t feel any better after a few weeks and you are still really struggling to settle in you might find it helpful to talk to someone. Friends and family are usually the first place we turn and this can be very helpful. However, sometimes it can feel easier to talk to a stranger who is not directly involved in your life and most universities have confidential counselling services who are very experienced at helping student with these kinds of difficulties. You can usually get an initial appointment fairly quickly and could be offered a range of options depending on your situation. There is lots of information on our Moodle page http://bit.ly/SSWcounselling including a Bibliotherapy service and links to many helplines, support and information services. Like most universities we mostly offer brief individual Counselling or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (usually up to 6 appointments), occasionally longer. For those needing to learn new skills we run a psycho-education workshop called The Matrix Group, on A Thursday afternoon from 4.30pm to 6pm upstairs in the Student Union.
Being shy when you start university at 18 or 19 does not mean that’s how you will always be. Many confident, outgoing adults were once shy and inhibited young people. University life offers many challenges and opportunities for you to grow and change and there is a lot of help to support this process. All students believe that everyone else is doing better than they are, are more confident, academically capable and socially skilled, but scratch the surface and you will find that many feel the same as you do. Confidence comes about by the accumulation of experiences where you face situations outside of your comfort zone and surviving them. You can expect to feel a bit anxious or self-conscious at first but the more you do it, the more it will feel normal and if it doesn’t, go and talk to someone about it.
