04/12/2021
'I was born in the valley of Dehradun but spent the majority of my life in Delhi. I remember very little of what living in Dehradun feels but from what I remember, it felt beautiful. I like spending time with stars, the moon and my dear books, but being a Delhiite, stargazing is a rather cumbersome hobby to have. It isn't an overstatement when I say that I have only been able to see as many as 5 stars in Delhi's night sky. I am in Assam for quite some days now and it is here that I am finally able to see the night sky clearly. So it is fun."
"The start of my poetry writing was quite interesting. I had a childhood friend for whom I eventually started developing feelings for. She used to write poetries. So in an attempt to impress her I started writing and reading poems. I now realise that most of her poems were absolute trash (laughs), but it instilled in me a newfound passion for writing poetries. I started reading John Keats, who is still an inspiration for me. I left writing them for some time to focus on my studies during class 12 boards but I started writing them again and it still makes me happy."
"If I had to describe my college life in a sentence , it would be "reliving my traumas". I was never one of those fanatics of the North Campus or being a part of Hindu. I wanted to go for CLAT and had also cleared the exam for the same. But under my family's pressure, I had to come to Hindu. I have trouble opening up to people. If someone approaches me with utmost sincerity, I would still avoid talking to them and start to behave awkwardly. After much effort, there are some 5-6 people whom I would place under the category of my acquaintances. And I have issues with some of them too. Also, if any of them faces any problem or difficulties, I somehow hear voices in my head that say I am to be blamed for all this. There is this thought at the back of my mind that I am not to be blamed for this, but I still end up feeling guilty for it. I thought that I would keep myself busy in society and work in college to divert my mind from these things. I wanted to open up to people in college but because of the lockdown, I ended up being even more of an introvert than I already was."
"When I was about 8-9 years old, I had a maasi whom I was very close to. I was more close to her than I was to my own family. She died in an accident and she died right in my hands. That incident filled me with so much guilt. I still blame myself that I could have done something to save her. I think my parents should have taken me to a therapist then but that was not the case. That incident made me suffocate within myself. I almost had one yet again in 2017 and I was unconscious for 3 straight days. The incident had a profound negative impact on myself. I now have a blood clot in my hypothalamus because of which I am very skinny. My friends often make fun of my physique because of which I often get offended."
"Because of all this mental trauma, I became very impatient. I just wanted to let go of these negative emotions and be happy. I have changed 3 therapists since March. So the one I am seeing now urged me to visit all the places in my bucket list and talk to people a bit more. So I have been travelling in the Northeast for quite some time. I also gathered the courage to give this interview for this reason only."
"I like to read and write poetries in my spare time. I also acquired this really unhealthy habit of scrolling Instagram in the lockdown phase and it's not something I am proud of. I also like reading books and I have also picked up the habit of writing diary entries. Most of Samhita's work takes place on the ground. We also came up with our magazine Qasid during this time. I like writing articles for it and also gave my suggestions to the society's President."
"A movie character I relate to the most is Charlie from Perks of being a Wallflower. There was a instance from his life related to sexual harassment which I relate to a lot. So he is not necessarily my favourite, but the one I relate to the most."
"An advice I would like to give to my peers is there is this unhealthy culture around being a lone wolf and keeping away from others. I understand once in a while we need to keep away from others but long periods of being alone leaves a person with his own thoughts and feelings, which may become harmful for him, as was the case with me."
Abhishek Upadhyay
BA Programme(Hindi+ Philosophy).
Interviewed by Uttkarsh and Vasundhra
