SCAD Secrets

12/19/2017

SCAD to give LaChapelle another toilet award!
After Celebrity Recognizes Business Prowess of Paula Wallace

"[Paula Wallace] is an incredibly savvy businesswoman who's incredibly greedy and self-serving...for someone to profit off these kids dreams, that is really sad."
—Photographer and filmmaker David LaChapelle

According to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, "David LaChapelle, a fine-art photographer and film director from Los Angeles, had never heard of SCAD before last spring."

Now that he has won his SCAD etoile, an award used to lure aging fashion icons to SCAD on their way to Miami, he is furious that our Dear Leader used him to promote her bank account, and the laughable claim that SCAD runs a world-class fashion department.

But SCAD sees it differently:

"He did say that our Dear Leader was a savvy business women. For that reason alone, we should honor LaChapelle with this year's ultra exclusive, SCAD e’Toilet award." chirped Jesus Lagartija, SCAD's lovable, plump, and simple-minded dean of the school of design.

The SCAD e'Toilet is awarded to those special celebrities who say "yes please" before researching the organization that is giving them an award, an all-paid vacation to Savannah GA, and use of the SCAD private jet to visit Lacoste France.
The award itself is hand-crafted from Wallace family kidney stones, and filled with Dear Leader's tears.

LaChapelle will be the 78th celebrity to be given this honor.

The SCAD e'Toilet also comes with a copy of Dear Leader's book,The Despot and the Piggy-Bank, a bag of fried pickles, and a lifetime subscription to The Southern Porch.

LaChapelle will not speak at the awards ceremony, and will instead be treated to one of Dear Leader's famous southern clog dancing performances. This year's clog dance is inspired by traditional lizard mating rituals, and will be performed on a mock-porch.

Dear Leader enthusiastically agreed to grant this years SCAD E'Toilet to David saying... “The highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit."

All stories on SCADSECRETS.com are parodies. All content on SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within it are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a university of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way.

05/21/2016

SCAD NEEDS YOUR HELP as Government Thugs Invade Savannah Campus!

Savanah College of Art and Design (SCAD) has been invaded by the IRS. A loathsome group of Federal Bureaucrats are auditing SCAD over alleged “financial irregularities” and “misappropriation” of tuition dollars.

Calling All Bees!
The IRS is a formidable foe. The IRS agents have managed to tape together documents faster than SCAD has been able to shred them

SCAD has issued plea to all SCAD BEES “Return to Savannah!” and help SCAD in the shredding of incriminating documents.
SCAD has issued plea to all SCAD BEES “Return to Savannah!” and help SCAD in the shredding of incriminating documents.

What is at STAKE?
We must preserve” SCAD’s alleged tradition of using student tuition money in anyway they see fit.

Traditions like:
1) Paying our Dear Leader $250,000.00 a month.
2) Gifting free flights to France and NYC on private aircraft for SCAD Board members, their friends, and their families,
3) Paying millions to the Dear Leader’s children, her ’husband,’ her special ‘lady friend’ and her extended family,
4)Keeping Dear Leader in Louis Vuitton clogs, custom wigs, and facial surgery upkeep,
5) The hiring of private investigators to gather negative intel on "rouge" faculty and administrators,
6) Paying for the off-site storage to house negative intel files of "rouge" faculty and administrator (see #5),
and;
7) Supporting Dear Leader’s addle-brained son, Tik with a $25,00.00 a month salary.

These are a few of the perks that must be hidden in order to preserve SCAD’s unique and special culture.

This is EVERY BEE’s Emergency!
Current students have a HUGE financial stake in outcome of this investigation.

Any fines levied against SCAD by the IRS might be raised through tuition increases and additional student fees.

All BEE paper-shredding volunteers are asked to report to Lai Wa Hall (after nightfall) Monday-Friday.

http://www.scadsecrets.com/2016/05/irs_audits_scad/

All stories on www.SCADSECRETS.com are parodies.
All content on www.SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This post and the content contained within it are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a University of Creative Careers founded by Ms. Paula S. Wallace who is practically perfect in every way.

03/21/2016

The Despot and the Piggy-Bank
A Memoir by Paula “Our Dear Leader” Walrus

In 1977, "... the world was ready for something new," writes the 73 year-old Paula Walrus, Savannah College of Art and Design President and Co-founder.

“All around us, dreamers were dreaming up new ideas: My extended family had just covered-up a serious pe******ia scandal, and my clog dancing days were long over. I was pushing forty when I discovered the benefits of government-backed student loans.”

What happened next would change the face of education. By joining Stalinist principles of management, obscene tuition costs, with the facade of higher learning—Paula managed to create for herself and her family a lucrative piggy-bank.

In The Despot and the Piggy-Bank, we journey with Walrus and her family to the crime-ridden coastal town of Savannah, where they set about creating the appearance of a university.

This tiny college would be radically different, buzzing with grossly under-qualified administrators, and abused faculty— Walrus forever altered what education should be.

Nearly forty years later, SCAD is one of the most tastefully decorated, over-hyped, and expensive art and design universities in the world, with dwindling campuses in Georgia, a Chinese ghetto, a farm in France, and online.

The Despot and the Piggy-Bank tells the story of how it all happened—from the special ‘woman’ at the center of it all.

About the author
Ghost writer to the ’C’ and ‘D’ celebrity set—Ralph Mittlebottom of the NYT, spent three years sculpting Ms. Walrus’s crayon-infused chicken scratch of random nouns and occasional verbs into the semblance of the book you now hold in your hands.

All stories on www.SCADSECRETS.com are parodies. All content on www.SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a University of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way.

http://www.scadsecrets.com/2016/03/despot-piggy-bank-memoir/

09/17/2015

SCAD STUDENT REVOLT!?
"It’s me. Raine. I’m the one who graduated last May from the Writing department

Your institution has been accused of sweeping sexual assaults and crimes on campus under the rug.

You disregard students’ best interests and censor faculty concerns in the name of the Student Code of Conduct. For example, you know students use drugs and drink on campus but refuse to allow a student-facilitated drug and alcohol awareness program.

You refuse to pay for school-mandated therapy with non-SCAD-affiliated clinics and ban students from taking classes if they don’t complete treatment.

You pay for outlandish ceremonies and events but have taken no initiative to get gender-neutral bathrooms on campus, despite having the largest number of trans and non-binary students on record."

https://medium.com//watchmescad-an-ultimatum-c74ecff6fd4d

Hey SCAD,

09/09/2015

SCAD(ly) Madison

BREAKING NEWS: Savannah.
Dear Leader, and President of the Savannah College of Art and Design (SCAD) took to the airwaves this morning to clarify why an estimated $18,742.87 of student tuition funds were used to pay for multiple Ashley Madison (Life is short, have an affair!) accounts.

It turns out that the Ashley Madison accounts tied to SCAD administrators were used for “academic research.”

The top administrators opened Ashley Madison accounts to test the effectiveness of the Ashley Madison ‘girl-bots,’ robotic users used to lure men into paying for membership to the Ashley Madison website.

“SCAD has been experimenting with the idea of replacing current faculty with ‘Faculty-Bots’ for many years now,” said Molly Mindful, Director of University Expansion, “All the tuition funds spent on Ashley Madison by the university administrators was used to explore the feasibility of such a scheme.”

The SCAD office of Public Appearance and Prettiness also issued a statement assuring the SCAD community that the Ashley Madison accounts are not related to the ongoing lawsuit involving inappropriate liaisons between SCAD administrates and members of the SCAD student body.

http://www.scadsecrets.com/2015/09/scadly-madison/

02/27/2015

SCAD’s origin story has been untarnished and pristine for the past 34 years. Untarnished that is until recently, when a group of miscreant investigators uncovered what may turn out to be a much darker and uglier story of where the seed for SCAD’s business plan MAY have originated.

This story begins with a man some call “Georgia’s most prolific pe*****le,” but whom Dear Leader refers to as “Kin.”

The business model for a private school, run by one family, carefully guarded with a hand-picked, well paid board of directors has been a lucrative formula for Dear Leader’s family for over 50 years. The architect for such a model may have been none other than Louis J. ’Doc’ Poetter.

http://www.scadsecrets.com/2015/02/southern-gothic-scads-strange-connection-georgias-prolific-pe*****le/

The business model for a private school, run by one family, carefully guarded with a hand-picked, well paid board of directors has been a lucrative formula for Dear Leader’s family for over 50 years. The architect for such a model may have been none other than Louis J. ’Doc’ Poetter.

01/10/2015

SCAD Covering Up Sexual Assaults on Campus?
Fearing another steep decline in freshmen admissions, SCAD’s matriarch and beloved ‘Dear Leader,’ has formed a workgroup to stem the rise of sexual assaults in Savannah.

Led by Dear Leader’s attorney, Regis Smallprint (North Georgia’s ‘Think’n Man’s Lawyer’) the SCAD workgroup revealed a comprehensive sexual assault prevention initiative titled: C.R.U.D. (College R**e Under-Reporting Directive) to the sleepy, disheartened Faculty.

“The committee’s focused on this issue like a wet fart on silk panties,” said Smallprint “we have secretly implemented it as I speak.”

The solution that Mr. Smallprint refers to is now the subject of a lawsuit brought by whistle-blower, Bobby Zarem, founder of the Savannah Film Festival. Mr. Zarem is suing SCAD for what he claims was his improper dismissal for reporting the sexual assault of four women on SCAD’s campus.

“Four women had come to me and said they were sexually assaulted [on campus]… I went to warn [SCAD president] Paula Wallace. She told me she was going to launch an investigation. Instead, she launched a coverup.” Said Zarem in an interview with Page Six.

http://pagesix.com/2014/11/14/bobby-zarem-suing-savannah-film-festival-after-firing/

“Mr. Zarem is not correct” squeaked Ms. Georgette Baxter, SCAD’s Associate Brand Manager and Student Liaison, “Sexual assault is ugly… SCAD is pretty, it’s better if we just remove everyone involved… p**f pretty!”

It was not clear at publication how many, if any, students who reported sexual assaults have been ’pushed out’ of SCAD rather than having their claims investigated.

In preparation of student protests, SCAD’s Dear Leader has declared that all students are to leave their mattresses in the dorm rooms.

Any student carrying a mattress around with him/her while on SCAD property will be immediately transferred to the Art Institute of Charleston.

From her porch at the Landings, Dear Leader encouraged the SCAD community to prevent forest fires stating “the highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”

All stories on www.SCADSECRETS.com are parodies.All content on www.SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, A university of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way.

http://www.scadsecrets.com/2015/01/scad-covers-sexual-assaults-campus/

The P.R. legend was fired for blowing the whistle on a sexual predator, he will claim in a lawsuit.

05/23/2014

SCAD Pretty Police declares photos of sick mother "Gross."

Tiny Voice, one of Dear Leader's worker bees, posted photos of her mother’s battle with cancer on Tiny Voice's social media accounts. When Tiny Voice's posts were discovered by the Savannah College of Art and Design's Pretty Police—she was ordered to remove all references to her grandmother and mother’s battle with cancer because:

"Photos of bald women fighting cancer are gross—they do not fit with SCAD's Brand Promise. As a SCAD employee, you do not have personal interests outside SCAD!"

Tiny Voice was told to take down her social media posts or to resign her position immediately.

Backstory:
Earlier this year, Tiny Voice created a site honoring her family’s successful battle with breast cancer. Tiny Voice posted photos of her mother and grandmother—two courageous and strong women—as they endured the ravages of chemotherapy. She also documented their victory over cancer, and posted links that allowed visitors to donate money for cancer research.

“It was a labor of love,” said Tiny Voice, “I felt that the world needed to see how the support of a strong family, the care of wonderful doctors and a close relationship with God can lead to a successful cancer treatment plan.”

This personal crusade could have gone on indefinitely where it not for the benevolent intervention of Glenn Angora, Dear Leader’s beard, former SCAD Student, and well-known Savannah Grinder aficionado.

Enter the SCAD Pretty Police Surveillance Machine:Mr. Angora quickly pulled together all the personal photos and comments Tiny Voice had posted over the past year and confronted her with the evidence.

“I remember the day my personal life was exposed,” said Tiny Voice, “I was brought into the office. All my private online activity had been printed out and was laid out on the table in the office for all to see. It was a horrifying and shaming process—It was then that I realized I had failed our Dear Leader."

“We have been watching you… Would you care to explain this?” Glen Angora asked…

“What could I say?" I thought… "I posted all that un-pretty cancer-related material on the web for the whole world to see… and I’m sure that posting it had an effect on SCAD’s sinking enrollment numbers. I immediately saw how selfish I had been” Tiny Voice confessed.

After a week at SCAD re-education Camp #9, Tiny Voice has had time to reflect on her sins against the SCAD Brand-Promise:

“I was so busy trying to honor cancer survivors that I forgot my real job, that of documenting and recording what the SCAD faculty were posting on their Facebook, Twitter, and personal blog—I let the SCAD brand promise down, and more importantly, I let Dear Leader down.”

On a positive note: Tiny Voice is expected to graduate first in her re-education class this week. After which she will return to Lai Wa Hall armed with new tools enabling her to better monitor SCAD faculty online activities. Scad Secrets wishes her the best.

“I am so grateful for my second chance.” gushed a tearful Tiny Voice, “I am now better equipped to spy on—er.. Pa-Troll' SCAD faculty online activities because of this experience.”

Do you have your own 'Pretty Police' or SCAD Surveillance story to tell? Send it in confidence to our private super secret contact form on SCADSecrets.com (seriously, we don't have any way of telling who sent us what).

From her porch at the Landings, Dear Leader encouraged the SCAD community to monitor each other’s online activity stating “the highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”

All stories on SCAD Secrets are parodies.All content on www.SCADSECRETS page are fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This community page and the content contained within are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, A university of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way.

http://www.scadsecrets.com/2014/05/scad-pretty-police-declare-cancer-off-brand/

05/20/2014

"The home campus of the Savannah College of Art and Design is trying to get rid of our sculpture department and building, Boundary Hall. In an attempt to explain their decision, the administration quotes that it is "for a more efficient use of resources across our four campuses". We need to let them know that this fine art department matters and this building is our home."

http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/sc-d

I just visited www.ipetitions.com and signed an important petition. I really care about this cause and hope you'll show your support for it.

04/01/2014

Savannah Makes SCAD President's Wig Style Mandatory

It is now mandatory for faculty in Savannah to get the same haircut as the benevolent dictator and matronly president of Savannah College of Art and Design, Dear Leader.

Savannah College of Art and Design (SCAD), the ‘secretive university’ impoverished faculty are sure to be flocking to the barbers Wednesday, as the SCAD-sanctioned guidelines were reportedly rolled out university-wide.

Savannah College of Art and Design clearly has its priorities right, dismissing accusations of crimes against faculty and monitored faculty free speech to instead focus on the introduction of the compulsory boxy, mushroom-esque hair do.

Previously, among SCAD’s many university-inflicted horrors, faculty were only allowed to choose from 18 styles for women and 10 for men.

SCAD’s university TV launched a campaign against long hair and jeans, called "Let us trim our hair and shed our jeans in accordance with the SCAD lifestyle" – see SCAD institutional dystopian nightmare video below.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4c92fYmL0ro

Unsurprisingly, many have reservations about being indignantly forced into having a SCAD Universty controlled bouffant hairstyle.

"Our Leader's wig is very particular, if you will," one source told Radio Free Savannah.

"It doesn't always go with everyone since everyone has different face and head shapes."

From her porch at the Landings, Dear Leader encouraged the SCAD community to purchase an official SCAD wig stating: “the highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”

All stories on www.SCADSECRETS.com are parodies. All content on www.SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a University of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way.

http://www.scadsecrets.com/2014/03/savannah-scad-presidents-wig-style-mandatory/

It is now mandatory for faculty in Savannah to get the same haircut as the benevolent dictator and matronly president of Savannah College of Art and Design, Dear Leader.

03/18/2014

Turn-in your professor: SCAD has an App for that!

Savannah College of Art and Design’s new Dean of Academic Services—Christo “the Don” Conquistador—has great plans for his burgeoning department.

“We are busy implementing a real-time reporting app for students,” says the giddy Dean. “Starting in Spring quarter, it will be even easier for students to report professors they don’t like to the administration—SCAD will have an App for that!”

“We are calling our new program: the SCAD College Reporting Annoying Professors App or SCAD C.R.A.P. App.

SCAD CRAP App is a revolutionary quality control mechanism ensuring that SCAD students are all happy customers.

The SCAD CRAP App allows students to turn-in their professors to the administration in real-time.

Is your professor not giving you enough praise during critique? —Turn-Them-In!

Is your professor not entertaining enough to keep your attention? — Turn-Them-In!

Is your professor assigning an unreasonable amount of work (do you have to read or write something)? —Turn-Them-In!

Students are asked to visit the iTunes store and download the new SCAD CRAP APP today!
From her porch at the Landings, Dear Leader encouraged the SCAD community to support SCAD CRAP APPs by stating:“the highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”

All stories on www.SCADSECRETS.com are parodies. All content on www.SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a University of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way.

http://www.scadsecrets.com/2014/03/turn-in-professor-scad-app-that/

News so hot, we have been banned on campus!

02/13/2014

Diane von Furstenberg “I Vaguely Remember the SCAD.”
Diane von Furstenberg receives an award from "that porch women."