06/10/2026
As a part of my Family Therapy course with Life Christian University, one of the books in our curriculum is āLove & Respect in the Familyā (the same author of āLove & Respect which was a wonderful read in my previous Marriage Counseling class).
There are so many treasures in this book, but one analogy really stood out to me this morning.
A driving message in my home is something I tell the kids all the time- we have zero control over the behavior of others, but we have 100% control over how we respond to others⦠and we have to own our side of that.
āAn unlovable or disrespectful child does not make or cause us to be unloving. Instead, the child reveals our choice to be unloving.
A speck of sand in the human eye leads to irritation, then infection, and if not cared for, loss of vision. That same speck of sand in an oyster first leads to irritation, then concretion, then a pearl. This begs the question: Did the sand cause the results in the eye or the oyster? No. The sand is an irritant that reveals the inner properties of the human eye or the oyster.ā
Our kids, our spouse, our circumstanceā¦theyāre not the real issue.
Our response to them are the issue.
When will we stop blaming the āirritantā for the way we respond to them and start taking responsibility for the fact that our poor response is simply a reflection of whatās already inside of us?
The good news is, the more Christ that we allow inside of us to do his good work on our character and motives, the more Christ will come out of us when provoked.
Donāt blame what kicks your bucket for what comes out of your bucket.
The kicking is on them- but the contents that come out as a responseā¦thatās entirely on you.
Put good in, get good out.
š¦ŖāŖļøā
Kids can challenge you. Marriage can challenge you. The most challenging part about both is not the kids/spouse themselvesā¦itās that they bring out whatās really hidden beneath the surface.
How we respond to what surfaces during challenging circumstances is everything. We can own itā¦or we can deflect and blame.
One approach will cause lasting damage to ourselves, and ultimately others in our radius.
The other approach will produce pearls even in the most difficult of circumstancesā¦and it will teach others in our sphere of influence to do the same.
Live. Learn. Grow. Repeat. š
āā-
Edited to add: all these teachings have disclaimers about abusive dynamics in relationships. Your character should stay true no matter what. But being loving does NOT mean being permissive of abuse, manipulation, or otherwise destructive patterns. Boundaries and discipline are also a display of loving natureā¦to ignore or enable those things are actually quite unloving because it elevates our own comfort over the other personās moral, ethical, or spiritual wellbeing. But you can establish and hold firm to boundaries, and you can carry out discipline and appropriate consequences without sacrificing your character, integrity, or genuine Christ-like love and compassion.
Pearls arenāt frail- theyāre actually covered in a material called nacre that is proven to be stronger than concrete šŖ (see my video podcast on āPearlsā with Insight Ministries for more conversation on the nature of pearls)
By Nicole H., Student