29/06/2026
๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ | ๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐ ๐ ๐๐๐ง๐ง๐๐ฅ ๐ช๐๐๐ก..?
๐ฃ๐บ ๐๐ช๐ฆ๐ฏ๐ป ๐๐ข๐ค๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ซ๐ฐ
By the time third year was nearing its end, I think I had become good at pretending.
Pretending I wasn't looking for Gabriel whenever I entered the room. Pretending that my heart didnโt skip a beat whenever our names appeared together in council group chats. Pretending that seeing, or hearing Gabrielโs laugh across a crowded hallway didnโt somehow make the rest of my day.
If someone asked me when I started falling for him, I wouldnโt think Iโd know the answer.
It wasnโt a single moment. There was no dramatic realization, no sudden spark, no scene where everything around him faded into a monochromatic background and a romantic soundtrack magically played. Love, at least in my experience, had been much quieter than that. It disguised itself as curiosity at first, then it turned into admiration, until one day I realized I had spent three years thinking about the same person.
The realization came to me sometime during our lecture in GEP where I had a hard time paying attention to. The professor was discussing neurologic conditions, but I found myself staring at a photo on my phone when I should have searched for the terms I didnโt understand in the lecture.
It wasnโt intentional, at least, thatโs what I told myself.
โKapila mo na na nga stalk sa iya, teh?โ
I flinched. It was Carl, slipping into the empty seat beside me.
โGrabe na na nga gugma imo, teh, pahuway ka man ay, tama na na nga tan-aw ka pics nโya.โ
โHoy, wala ah! May gintan-aw lang ko nga shared post.โ
โRason! Pamati nada kay sir hu, ma-quiz sโya bala 20 items, 10 items identification.โ
โGapamati ko ya!โ
โGapamati pero gasige pa stalk?โ
I didnโt answer. Carl looked at me for a long moment before sighing.
โHalin mo pa na sโya first year crush di โba? Wala ka gyapon nag-confess haw?โ
โAgue ah, hinaya lang bala tingog mo!โ
โConfess na bala, teh!โ
โNugay da, Carl ah, napa-delulu mo โko bala pirme!โ
โSus, kag ginakilig-kilig ka man? Lantawa bala ngirit mo hu!โ he laughed.
I couldnโt answer, I was literally pulling off strings just to help myself stop from smiling too obvious.
But he was right on one thing. Carl wasnโt wrong about Gabriel. I had liked him for far too long yet I still did not have the courage to confess to him.
For three long years, Gabriel had become such a permanent fixture in my life that I couldnโt even remember when I started to like him. Though we werenโt strangers to each other, that wouldโve been easier.
Both of us belonged to the Nursing Department Council, which meant we attended the same meetings, participated in the same events, and shared many of the same friends. We greeted each other when necessary, occasionally exchanged conversations, sometimes we even sat at the same table during council activities, or at dinner tables after a long tiring day at the council. And somehow, that made everything worse. Because every interaction gave me just enough hope to keep liking him.
Oh, and the most funny thing, he hasnโt done anything to me at all.
By the time Collegian Fest arrived, the entire campus seemed to transform overnight. Students rushed between venues carrying banners and props. Different departments prepared for competitions, performances, and sporting events. The music and the counting of choreographies echoed through the quadrangle from morning until evening, and the Nursing Council found itself busier than ever.
I should have focused on my responsibilities, instead, I spent an embarrassing amount of time being aware of Gabriel.
One afternoon, while taking a nap under a table at the corner of the room, I suddenly woke up from the voice of our council governor, saying all council members should head down the quadrangle to cheer for our department. Though it might sound disobedient, I didnโt listen and continued to sleep.
By the time I woke up, I opened my eyes to see some members still in the room. Including him. I wasnโt sure if I still wanted to go out, but I had no choice. I got up, no makeup on, my face still puffy and my hair was wild. I couldnโt even look at him when I went to the restroom.
By the time I was finished, he went up to me.
โNaog na ta kuno, Dave, hambal ni Gov.โ
His voice was smooth, and his eyes looked at me briefly. The sweet scent of his shirt gushing down my nose.
โSige manaog lang โko to, una lang kamo.โ
โSabay na lang sa โkon.โ
Sabay na lang sa โkon?!
โSige lang, una lang kay manghimos pa ko.โ
Then, just like that, he left. His arms wrapped with balloons they will use for cheering.
It wasnโt even a remarkable interaction. It lasted less than a minute. Yet later that night, while lying in bed, his voice kept repeating in my head for at least twenty times.
The problem with having a crush for three years, is that reality eventually catches up to you.
Third year was ending.
Everyone talked about internships, board exams, graduation, and future plans. The closer we came to fourth year, the more I felt a quiet panic in my chest.
Because what if this was it?
What if one day, I graduate without ever being able to tell Gabriel what I truly feel about him and we go our separate ways? Itโs a thought that bothered me more than rejection ever could.
One evening while I was studying in my room for a quiz, a familiar voice came up to my ear, playing from my laptop.
โTo be young and in love in New York Cityโ
โTo not know who I am, but still know that Iโm good long as youโre with meโ
The sooner I realized it, the song was already halfway through the lyrics.
โI like me better when Iโm with youโฆ โ I absent mindedly sang along with Lauv, my head swirling with thoughts of Gabriel.
Right after the song, I scrolled on my phone and stumbled on a playlist I had collected over the years. Songs that reminded me of himโof the council meetings where he was present, the random conversations, the campus events, the stolen glances.
Three years of feelings hidden inside a collection of music. I stared at the screen for a long time before laughing softly at myself and my heart slowly pumping more than it should.
โBahala na da ah!โ I told myself right before I started looking up for ideas on how to confess.
A week came by and I found myself standing right beside Jollibee, holding an envelope I had spent almost an entire week contemplating if I should be doing it, but before I could even realize it, Gabriel was already heading towards me after I texted him, saying I had something to give.
It was only then when it hit me, Iโd finally done it. I finally confessed. Though it wasnโt in the way others hand out their affections verbally. Inside the envelope, I had made Gabriel a portrait, and in the process, I didnโt even mind staying awake far later than I should have just to perfect the details, though to be honest, my skill wasnโt that perfect. I also wrote him letter after letter but then, I thought it could be too much to give him everything I had written all at once so I decided to settle for one letter. And finally, I included the playlist I had made for him and rearranged some songs to clearly state my feelings.
It wasnโt flashy, it wasnโt dramatic, but it was honest. And that actually terrified me. The actual confession happened on a Friday night. There were no fireworks, no cinematic background music, just the busy bustling of the jeepneys and the awkward posture I had when I handed him the gift.
โMapuli ka na? Pasakyon ta kaโ he offered after receiving it.
But the dumb side of me refused.
โSige lang okay lang โko, halong da, karon lang buksi.โ
And just like that, I left him, then completely regretting how Iโd acted towards him. I was just glad he didnโt get to see how stiff my legs were when I was walking away.
โOmg!โ I kept telling myself over and over.
And that was it.
That night I waited for his response, fearing for the worse that could happen, my heart literally bursting on my ribs. Then came the next day. Then the next week. Then nothing.
That was simply the whole three years of having a crush on Gabriel.
At first, the silence hurt, then it confused me, though eventually, it became something I simply learned to live with. Months passed, and life moved on. Yet occasionally, I could still catch myself searching for Gabriel around the school. Sometimes he showed up, sometimes he didnโt. Other times, our mutual friends exchanged strange looks whenever both of us were in the same room, though I never really understood any of it. I simply just told myself it didnโt matter. I told myself I was moving on, and for the most part, I believed it.
Then, the year-end council celebration arrived sooner than expected. By then, I felt lighter than I had in months. The confession no longer brought me embarrassment. The unanswered feelings no longer consumed me. I still liked Gabriel, perhaps I always would, but the ache had softened to something manageable.
For the first time in a long time, I felt free.
But that feeling only lasted right up until Gabriel stepped onto the stage.
The crowd then erupted with cheers.
โCheer man da sa crush mo teh!โ Carl tapped with a force on my back.
โIkaw da Carl ah, kairita!โ I brushed him off.
โDaw wala ka lang nag-ngirit pagkakita mo sa iya ba.โ
โHimo-himo ka naman da storya!โ
โAsus! Malay mo i-surprise ya man ka.โ
โHipos da, ague, ah!โ
I rolled my eyes on him before any hope could rise up in my head.
Then the music started. At first, I wasnโt paying attention as I was in the food section trying to get a piece of burger and a drink. Not until I heard the first opening notes.
My stomach dropped. The song sounded more than familiar.
Painfully familiar.
As the lyrics filled the room, the realization struck me with a force that I choked on the piece of meat I thought I had been chewing on.
I knew the song so well. Painfully well.
Not because it was popular. Not because Iโd heard it recently.
I knew it because I had carefully placed it on the playlist months ago. On Gabrielโs playlist.
No. Thereโs no way! I thought.
Slowly, I started looking up at him performing on stage, but he was already looking at me.
The rest of the room suddenly disappeared. The cheering, the music, the lightsโฆ like there were only the two of us standing facing each other. And what I thought that only happened on the television, suddenly seemed real through my own eyes.
Everything faded into a monochromatic background and all the colors seemed to only pop from him. He was shining on stage, beneath the weight of that single gaze.
For months, I thought I had convinced myself that his silence meant rejection. For months I had forced myself to accept that Gabriel didnโt feel the sameโฆ
โDamn, I like me better when Iโm with you.โ The song played.
Then, he did something that made my heart stop completely. Gabriel stepped off the stage and began walking toward me. My pulse thundered in my ears, and around us, others continued to cheer, laughing, taking pictures, completely unaware that my entire world had just tilted sideways.
โStay a while, stay a while,โ
I could almost hear his voice behind my ears.
He kept walking. One step. Then another.
Then anotherโฆ
โStay here with me,โ
Until he was close enough that I could see the nervousness hidden beneath his usually calm expression.
Close enough now that I never realized I had never seen Gabriel look uncertain before. And for the first time, Gabriel looked just as terrified as I felt. And somehow, that frightened me even more.
Because suddenly, the unanswered question wasnโt whether Gabriel knew. Or whether Gabriel cared.
โI knew from the first time, Iโd stay for a long time causeโฆโ
The noise suddenly became more impossibly distant, until Gabriel was right in front of me, his lips calling my name as he sang along the last line.
โI like me better when Iโm with you, Dave.โ
-
Illustration | Zoe Panti
Edit | Roylen Perez
